Chapter 10 - I didn't have Sex with that Man, Bob Goldstein

YOUR HEAD’LL TURN INTO…SECTION 10


“I didn’t have sex with that man, Bob Goldstein.”


I was not present when my friend (?) Fay Mosier was credited with that quote. I have known Fay for more than 25 years. We used to date. We still have dinner together now and then.I play gin rummy with her Mom and know her two daughters pretty well.

On this infamous occasion, Fay, myself and longtime friend Howard Stoeckel were having dinner at Los Ranchos, a popular Nicaraguan restaurant in South Miami. But, I was running late and Fay spotted Howard at the restaurant. Now this was hard to do, as Fay had never met Howard before. But you have to remember, at this time Fay was working at the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office as an investigator and had previously been a police woman in Homestead, Florida. Fay can spot all kinds of things, and so she spied Howard and commenced with her statement. There was no prompting from my friend Howard.

“I didn’t have sex with that man, Bob Goldstein.” I’m not sure about this, but Fay may have also punctuated her opening remark by wagging her index finger and looking intently at Howard. For the record, Fay actually said: “Hi, I’m Fay Mosier, Bob’s friend. I just want you to know that Bob and I never had sex together.” You just have to know Fay. Having large doses of understanding when it comes to Fay helps one work through these gaucheries.

Her style as a cowboy—er, cop—was to not be shy about throwing the badge around. Good at confrontation when none was warranted, I used to get nervous when I heard about these escalations involving Fay. How did I know? She used to tell me about her latest escapades with the bad guys she was chasing down. I know her recent boss, the easy-on-the-eyes Miami-Dade State Attorney, Katherine Fernandez Rundle. ( I once publicly introduced Katherine that way at a Democratic club meeting. She was surprised to hear me say that and said so during her speech. I don’t care. She is beautiful. She’s also very smart and popular. She’s been elected four times to this office, after taking over as Janet Reno’s successor.)* I’d run into Katherine at Party gatherings and conventions and we’d usually end up talking about the inimitable and outspoken Fay.

Fay Mosier is a wonderful friend. Appearance wise, she resembles the actress who played Peg Bundy in Married With Children and has even done some photographic layouts. She is still my friend, as far as I know. However, she doesn’t know that I know about the Clintonesque quote. Well, she may know now. Back to our friendship, which by the end of this chapter will likely be on shaky ground. Fay is a single mother who raised her daughters to adulthood and is famous for juggling 2-3 careers at once. She has also been honored for her work with animals. Completely loyal too. We’ve helped each other several times. We’ve spent many Jewish holidays together with friends, gathering at Fay’s attractive home. To say Fay is a good cook wouldn’t do her justice. To use the Yiddish term for expertise in the kitchen, Fay is a “balubuss.”

A few years ago I moved from my old place near Fay’s neighborhood in the West Kendall area of Miami-Dade County to a new place in East Kendall. I decided to throw a party for friends at my new digs. And, when Fay arrived with her good-natured boyfriend Paul, she soon assumed a take charge, takeover presence. She stationed herself in the kitchen and proceeded to organize all things culinary, even adding some frills to the catered food. As I watched things develop, I struck up a conversation with the non-plussed Paul. “She’s a great Balubuss,” I said admiringly.

“You mean ball buster,” said Paul with a rich laugh.

Anyway, to stay with this really sexy story. Let’s fast forward to this past year. It’s another holiday dinner, this time with Howard, his amazing girlfriend Mercedes and her family. That’s where Howard “The Squelcher” makes a re-appearance. Howard’s stories don’t have punch lines, they have squelch lines. Dinner is over and we’re in the living room exchanging gifts. And, as is our custom, Howard and I are telling embarrassing stories about one another. I have a 37 year friendship with Howard and we do these things to each other all the time. “Bob, why don’t you tell us about that time you and your friend Fay didn’t have sex?” he begins. This impertinent question gets laughs—and some screams—from the people there. But my reputation—among other things—was at stake. So Howard does the restaurant set-up from the Fay story, repeats the quote and turns it over to me, almost as if it had been rehearsed.

So..here now is the real story. Finally. What Fay said that night in the restaurant was not true. At least it was not 100% true. “We did have sex together,” I said to the astonished listeners at Mercedes’ home. “It was the kind of sex that Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky.”


*Janet Reno was Bill Clinton’s Attorney General, 1993-2001. She was the longest serving Attorney General in U.S. history

Full disclosure: Fay’s estate and online shopping businesses have got her into hot water with her old bosses at the State Attorney’s office. She is currently under investigation after being charged by a woman who claimed Fay sold some of her possessions without the woman’s permission. Fay denies the claim and insists that the woman is not mentally stable. An outcome is to be decided at a forthcoming trial.